I was always told that travel broadens the mind. To mix with other cultures is a filling in the gaps, experience for most young people. For years I have watched as friends left the cold grey English winter for warmer climates and the trills of elsewhere.

Myself chose to stay here and work to keep the country ticking over, and enjoy the seasons change. Also like most people after getting well trashed over the christmas period I was skint, and had forgot to get my ticket out of Dodge before getting trashed. But this year was different.

My nu girl Jhan was on special missions to Indonesia and I had promised to spend chistmas with her. Duty bound I kissed her goodbye on Nov 12 2005, and swore I would see her on christmas day. Back to my world, I was in a special circumstances position at a famous London restaraunt and bar, doing the do with the sound and other odd jobs, basically keeping the place upright. To get money together for my adventure. Of course to mange this took amount of booze and stimulants, allowing me to lay the proverbial smack down with the musical and video tools at my disposal.

Gradually Money came together and all was sailing, when two weeks before I was due to leave came the first threat to my promise. While riding home from the bar after a particular lairy Monday night, I was venomently set about by wanker from the local cuntsabulary. It (technically) was 3am tuesday morning with no traffic on the road, and I was riding no handed from Farringdon via Barbican to Adlgate where I live.

A pedal pig shouts 'oi stop' so I do what any right minded freemen of old Hackey Town would do, and ignored the fucker, thinking can't possibly mean me. To my horror this idiot on a Smith and Weston (bicycle not gun, this arsehole was to stupid to be issued with a gun but he lived in hope.) in a bright yellow jacket, with a flashing blue light on his head, rams me from the right amost knocking me to the ground. I was not pleased.

Why did you stop? 'I didn't think you was shouting at me' I replied.
well who else is there? cop

Dunno was looking where I was going. m

Smart arsed comments won't get you anywhere son.

Where you going?

Home.

Where are your lights?

Someone stole them see the empty brackets.

Didn't you see that red light?

Look mate I am a 42 year old adult I know what I have done and I have been riding a bike since I was five. Nothing was comming, the road was clear, I have just finished a 14 hrs bar shift and I want to get home so spare me the lecture and don't call me son because I am older than you. You may call me sir.

I don't care how old you are sir, do you know I can give you a £30 pound fine for not having any lights, and I will give you the lecture SIR.
If you have been riding for that long you should know the rules of the road SIR.
And I will keep you here as long as I like SIR.

Name?

Yea yea keep on abuse your power as you lot always do.
Give me a ticket, are you fucking joking!!! what is it to cold for ya?
wanna get back to the station do some paperwork in the warm?
Move yerself and let me get home and stop wasting time on foolishness.

Name?

Fuckin Jesus H Fucking Benson!

NAME?

So I go's through the process, sweating as ya do, not knowing anything from my mucky past interactions with the law, are gonna put me in even more shit than I was smelling now. His partner had closed to the rear of my bike so there was no chance of making a break. Lucky for me the check comes up clear. A modle citizan as far as their concerned, but this cunt wants to go on.

If you had been more polite thiis would not happen, so I'm going to give you a ticket
you can either pay the £30 fine, or produce a reciept for lights at a police station within 30 days, at which point the fine will be cancelled. if you ignore the ticket then the fine will increase, and go to court at which point a warrent will be issued for your arrest.

Do what you will cuntstable.

This little interaction has been going on for 30mins now. I cold, pissed off and had enough,but then they want to put me through some fucking pathetic EQ opps Monitoring form as well.

What background would you say you were sir?

WHAT!!!

What background would you say you were sir?
Black/Carribian, Black/ African or Black/other, or Asian Sir?

Your fucking joking!!

No sir, the government requires that we fill out this form for monitoring purposes.

Well you fill the fucking thing out I refuse to answer, and you can't nick me for that!! snatching the completed ticket from his hand I make my way to leave.

Goodbye Sir.... ,It's for your own good you know.

It was at that point that I had a sir Henry moment. the donkey collapsed under the weight of one more straw. As my eyes started to glow that troublesome shade or red. I turned walked back up to his nose and spat.

For my own good. Are you fucking mad? Listen cuntstable I got no respect for you, your uniform, or your fucking institution. As far as I'm concerned in the 42 years of life that I have been alive you have never done me anything but harm. I have watched you lie, trump up charges, start riots, and generally fuck up the job you supposed to be doing. You murder then get away with it what fuck do you think I am ? A fucking Brazilian. Go on shoot me you sick fuck. Putting two fingers to my head in a gun like manner.

Oh you can't you got a BYCYCLE. muppet.

and walked away leaving both of them shaking their heads knowing anything further would have ended up in paperwork and explinations they rather not get in to. But they did fail to search me which means they missed finding my wholeheapazing and my home made jam, as I said MUPPETS . I fear for our saftey.